As I and most of my friends approach 30, I’m one of few that remain single. Compared to the majority of my social circle and acquaintances, there’s one thing all of them are in hurry to tick off their checklists. Love and Marriage.
I would say 95% of them are all engaged, married or in super long term relationships (de facto). Many of them have already started popping out kids too. It’s crossed my mind, mostly since finishing university why everyone is overcome with some rush in their late 20’s to “settle down” (I hate that term). For what it’s worth, many play a game of one upmanship, bigger diamond, fancier wedding, exotic honeymoons and so on. But I see something else behind all of this.
Plenty has been said of Marriage 2.0 and most, if not all of my married friends have no idea what that term even means. I have minimal interest in taking part or even aiming to participate in it (if you can call it that). And yes you could say I’m bitter about all this.
What I’m about to state you’ve probably seen around you, but never questioned or analysed in greater detail. Let me shed some light on the observations I’ve made in the last 5-7 years. For most people in my social circle they typically date there girlfriend/boyfriend for around 2 years before he pops the question. As the current trend goes, he proposes with a diamond ring set in gold. If he follows the social trend he spends 10 weeks of his salary or some other arbitrary value of “X week’s worth of his salary” on compressed carbon. Typically in my friends circle it’s somewhere from $5000-$10000. Although one friends flew to the Middle East to drop $50,000 on a diamond ring, while my best mate’s girlfriend over the many years of dating had, implanted the exact details of the ring she demanded wanted and set a minimum price of $20,000 on her love ring. I never bothered finding out if he did this.
Once the proposal is done, a flurry of photos are taken, rock on hand and posted with a hurried gusto to Facebook, usually with the tag of “she said yes” or something similar. Following this, the next one to two years is spent in a perpetual state of wedding planning, mainly for her. His opinion on the wedding particulars is marginalised, yet their cash resources are pillaged and plundered all for her dream day.
If your friends circle is anything like mine, the men usually earn more, have saved more and are contributing more financially to the relationship. At times it seems, he’s just a walking talking bank at her disposal. The typical wedding amongst my friends starts at $50,000 and goes beyond. Im suspecting a few of my wealthier friends would have spent close to or more than 6 figures. Many a wedding I’ve been attended have been at the Radisson or Hilton hotels, which in Australia can be known for setting a minimum spend, I’m fathoming a guess of around $40-50,000 and then add on the extras.
At this point, most of my friends have spent their savings and are depending on a bank loan. Combine this with the property they’ve already bought or about to. Stick with me on this.
Most of the couples around me are also buying a house before they wed and if not are buying very soon after. Everyone it seems is sold on the idea that rent money is dead money. My friends are also with women fixated on the idea that home ownership is a must for a marriage. The Great Australian Dream.
Even the majority of my guy friend’s desire home ownership and most of them have bought a property. If you didn’t know, the average house price in Australia is in the $450-500,000 range. A 20% deposit is the norm ($80-100,000), so any savings the couple did have, are put towards the down payment for the property as opposed to the wedding.
Cue the mortgage repayments….. For a miserable 30-40 years.
None of my married or coupled friends are renting. The women have it in their heads that home ownership is a must, as do the men. A minority think renting is fine, but in my experience their ideas are trumped by what she says.
At this point you might start seeing the trend. Money, in particular the banks money, debt and more debt. It keeps going. Not sure if this idea plays out in other parts of the world, as some of my friends in preparation for kids have to purchase a SUV/4WD. The thought amongst many is that a family with 2 kids and a pet dog require a large off road capable vehicle to get around (currently I’m residing in the UK where hatchbacks are prevalent and I see families getting around just fine in a small Renault or something similar). Plus a 2nd hand car is generally not par for the course so something brand new is required, and why not. Just re-finance the mortgage loan to include this too.
Post wedding you can also add on the honeymoon to the Maldives, Vanuatu or some equally exotic place. By now the crazy borrowing has hit its peak. Debt owed to the bank is in the $500,000 plus range and for my friends the party is over and it’s time to truly “settle”. I think many of them view this is as freedom or dream achieved.
At this point she wants kids and most of my friends are doing exactly that. His options are limited, work for the next 40 odd years to pay off the debt, as a wage slave chained to his desk. Job hopping yes, but to quit and take off for an exotic journey or an extended break is out of the question.
Her options on the other hand are slightly varied and she’s nearing 30 so the clock is ticking as they say. So pump out a kid or 2 and from there she has the option to be a stay at home mum, work part time or return to full time work. What about him….nothing’s changed. He’s still full time on the grind. I’m yet to see this, but in some very limited cases he may be the stay at home dad if she makes a decent pay packet.
So here’s the formula for “success”: Love + Marriage = Debt
Heck, I could even cut out love from the equation in some instances I’ve seen.
What do I see then ?
Debt and dead money. Interest repayments, real estate agent fees, upkeep and maintenance of property and cars, stamp duty, to list a few. Property as an investment is not guaranteed to go up, it may happen, but that’s not going to make the debt go away. The juicy 20% deposit on the house could have been play money which could be used to rent for years. Additionally, any income made by the couple could easily replenish the monthly rent, keeping near intact that approx $80-100,000 put aside for a home deposit. There are a few other reasons I’d argue against buying property too.
How is this debt ridden lifestyle played out by so many back in Australia, this is just what I see in my social circle. I can’t imagine how many times over this is being playing out across the nation and even across the anglosphere. Is this actually the gold standard of a decent life or just a mirage of that, which everyone falls for?
I for one cannot call this freedom or even list this as a goal to aim for. As a man I see debt as enslavement, indentured labour. Why as men, in many cases the primary/majority bread winners not seeing this. In some cases it’s the women driving the decisions overtly and sometimes covertly. They want the big ring, big wedding, big house, nice car etc. The men in most cases don’t question this process either, as it’s played out by society as a whole. This is a major part of what constitutes normal, growing up and “maturing”. Everyone else is doing it, so it must be right.
I’m noticing this narrative accelerating as people draw nearer to the supposed deadline of 30 years of age. The specifics will vary, but you get the overall picture. Debt is not freedom, its enslavement.
